Entitlement.

Sometimes I just feel so tired. I often feel like I am constantly at war with myself and the world around me. I think almost everyone can relate to this, but it sure is tiring. I very much dislike having to go through this process of self-discovery. Who am I really? What do I believe in? What values do I choose to stand upon? These questions are always gnawing at me. There are times where I feel so devastated by these thoughts that any sound of hope gets drowned out.


And then there are those moments where I am completely overwhelmed by God's glorious grace.


Without those moments, I know I would be truly lost.


My church has been studying Romans for a while now. I love this book. In fact, I love the entire Word of God, but it just so happens that this is the one we are studying. It has given me clarity on many issues and also causes me to question some others. However, today it has once again given me a renewed vision of my awesome God.

For the past few weeks, we have been in chapter nine. What I always thought was such a foggy passage is beginning to be cleared in my mind. In this chapter, Paul speaks of vessels of wrath and vessels of mercy in speaking of God's sovereign choice. This has always confused me because, with my human logic, I can see the "unfairness" of God choosing some people for destruction and others for mercy. How does God make that choice? And why does God choose some for destruction? Isn't that unfair?

If God was man, I think it definitely would be. People cannot go around choosing people to destroy and get away with it. But God does not live by our standards. He is infinitely holy, and He is infinitely just. According to His standards, we are all deserving of eternal torment because of our sin and because of the glorious holiness of the One we have sinned against. Somehow, we get this feeling of entitlement. That God SHOULD show us mercy, like we somehow are deserving of it. Yet, we are not. We do not deserve it in any way, shape, or form. But THAT is what makes His grace so scandalous and so unbelievable. That He personally chose to redeem our souls and bring us into the promise He has given His people through His Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

We are not His people. I am not a Jew; I was not the holy nation promised a Savior. I am a complete and utter Gentile. YET, God in His goodness and mercy chose to bring me into that family, that chosen people.

And thus, the reason why I am overwhelmed.

I am constantly trying to figure things out. Figuring out my life (where it's going, what's happening now, where is God taking me, do I really believe THAT?), figuring out my friends's lives, figuring out my family's life, just figuring out all the lives. I never really stop and simply dwell in the fact that I follow a God who chose me. He chose me, and He will bring me to the place He has prepared for me because HE has promised it to me. Don't ask me why He has done this. I don't know. It defies all rules and regulations, all logic. But I believe this to be true.

If whoever is reading this is ever in any need of quality, thought-provoking words, I suggest going to this website and reading one or two of Oswald Chamber's My Utmost For His Highest devotionals. He has many good things to say. A few words from today's:


"When God gives you a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will bring the vision He has given you to reality in your life if you will wait on His timing. Never try to help God fulfill His word. Abram went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed. He grew past the point of relying on his own common sense. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not a period of God’s displeasure. There is never any need to pretend that your life is filled with joy and confidence; just wait upon God and be grounded in Him."

This is something I need to be reminded of during this time of internal conflict for me. I need to trust that He will fulfill His purposes in my life. 

As always, I hope that whoever reads this (if anyone) can get some kernel of goodness from it, if they can get through my random jumping about. My simple prayer is that God reveals Himself and the awesomeness of who He is to you each and every day.

Blessings and peace.